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Hmm... Usually my Journal updates start with something along the lines of "I haven't been drawing lately.." or "So it's been a while.." But hey, what's the use in repeating the same lines, even if it IS true pretty much each and every time?

My last showing journal entry was Dec.29, 2008. Isn't that insane..? You can see just how much DA realy means to me, lmao!

I guess it's because I've gotten to the point where I don't submit every single thing I do to DA. Maybe I've just lost the pride when I should have gained it, you know? I expect much more of myself now, even if I'm still not overly fantastic. Maybe it's because since 3Dluvr withered away, there's no longer anyone urging me, "That's good! Post it, Post it!" So hey. My drawing is slowly withering away just as the paintchat had, and I'll be waiting to see if it can be revived in time. Even my mad drawing spurts are shorter than they ever have been, I don't really have much reason to draw anymore. All those around me have reasons to draw, it's their lifelong goal, it's their future and their true passion. If I don't draw, if I don't improve, what does it to do me..?

Absolutely nothing. If I play little online games instead of drawing furiously, my future career is no less attainable for me. I'm going to be a freaking Massage Therapist. Maybe this is what I get for keeping drawing as my personal hobby.

Since I've got David -- And I'm sure I've mumbled about it before on here -- I don't need to draw half as much. I had so many characters to fill the hollow empty spots that he fills now, you know? At one end, he's completed me, he's filled all the lonely bits I struggled to fill before, but at the other..? There goes my desperate need to draw.

I used to put myself down a lot to make myself strive to improve, "This isn't good enough, I have to make it better!" But now it's less and less motivating, I just start giving up. What's the point?

I'll never stop drawing, I know it. But I highly doubt it'll be like it was, where I strived and fought every moment of every day for improvement. When I drew to be acknowledged, so someone, somewhere would see me and see that I CAN do something. I have a skill I've worked for, can't you see..?

When you're loved - truly loved... That need vanishes. He sees what I am and all the things I do. For fuck's sake, he's proud of me when I get good grades. Do you realize how strange it is to hear "Wow! Good job, baby! That's up a lot from last report card, you've been trying so hard~" instead of "Well, you should bring it up more then. Good job, do better." It's insane. I can't even reward myself for grades, there has never been a difference, only 'ass' and 'fail'. If I fail my parents shake their head. If I pass, they shake their head and tell me to do even better next time. For what?

Maybe I'm stressed out..? Enough so that it's cutting into my will to draw. Maybe it's that everyone around me that I watch and admire has gotten so far out of my reach with their ability. I can't see how I'm just behind them, anymore. I can't even pick out how I can improve along behind them, now.

Maybe some day I'll get there. Until then, I should probably stop trying to proclaim myself as an artist, and say I 'draw a little on the side sometimes'. Who knows, we'll have to wait and see.

Do you believe in Fate?

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+Character List -
I don't even know who I consider my characters and who I don't, nowadays~
It's a weird feeling, for sure!
Coreii Deyarmond, Amilee Deyarmond, Thannis, Molly.
Pikumei, Jamie Hasselrode, Saizen, Kavian, Kita.
Myra Kowalski, Kira Mcausland, Mercy, Darius.
Rhylkahzar, Mas'eth, Aishiozanryu.
Malice, Loki, Evian, Otis, Reiya.
Raxia, Sean.
Eei

+Amazing Artists-


Go check them out, it is totally worth your time.

+Clubs-



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