+ - - - - - - - +

Tell me, Tell me. Your characters, what is it they fear?

In comments, please. I'm curious! Names and fears, hopefully characters I can remember, but not necessarily. Haha.

Some from me:

Wight - Flesh wounds! Even minor cuts freak him right the fuck out, he's extremely protective over his hard-earned body.

Pikumei - Strangers~ He is extremely wary around anyone he doesn't know, like a suspicious cat that won't come near your hand, and carefully watches from a distance.

Kira - Death. Now, many people don't want to die, but Kira has a horrific fear of the unknown, and the thought of dying terrifies him to the soouulll.

Raxia - Though I don't use him anymore, and have packed him up and put him in storage for now, he has a very strong phobia of being restrained in any way. David kind of fucked that over with turning him into a bondage freak and demanding bondage porn of him every second day pretty much, but hopefully that can be cleansed from him and I might be able to stomach seeing him again. I did love him, when he used to be mine. He's also deathly afraid of the dark, becasue he has next to no night vision. Fire in large amounts freaks him out as well.

Mercy - My pretty boy, he fears losing people he cares for. He has extremely bad attachment issues, and seperation anxiety. He doesn't like people leaving him, he's never really had anyone to bond to. He's extremely overprotective of Exi because of this. It also means he's picky with who he gets attached to, but when he DOES get attached, it's pretty extreme.

Aishiozanryu - Social rejection and Fire! Fire is what makes him panic, like when people see spiders and go into shock! People fear spiders, what do spiders fear? Webs are so flammable! He's been trapped in a burning barn before, with Tss'ka and the lizard-mount whose name I have yet to secure. It's probably written up somewhere, I should look. He thinks everyone is out to kill him.

...

That's all I can think of for now. I'll try and work on it.

Myra is the only one I have that I can't see fearing much of anything. And maybe Otis, but I'm sure the big guy has some fear somewhere.

Other notes, I haven't found any like, minor fears for any of them. It's all like, social anxiety. Wight's is the most noticable, as he's EXTREMELY scared of getting cut, gashed, or wounded in any way.

So, as a side note, if he ever gets too in your face about wanting to skin and eat you, stab him.

Actually, don't, because he'd probably fright-rage and tear your legs clean from your torso.

So avoid that.


Now, here's what was originally at the top of the page!:


- - - -

A-Ahh..

Hmm.

I always lock up when I go to start these. My mind searches around for half a moment, and then since I stopped long enoguh, my thoughts start worming their way out.

And because I let this happen, that's why a lot of the time my thoughts come down slightly ragged and hard to grasp.

Broken, repeating.

That's also the stress of being on a computer, though.
Makes me think. Makes me start to remember.

Everything I've done.

So. I haven't made it back to the computer on a normal level, yet. Every time I try soemthing happens and I end up crying. LOL.

BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE

When I'm forgetting, I'm smiling.
SO I'VE BEEN SMILING A LOT.

Because I've been cleansing everything from my system, cleansing and forgetting until I can't feel anymore.

Feeling is for people that give a shit. :V

Bahahaha.

Drew my babies today. My Merrow babies. My hunter, Shark, My Mother, Sai, my Romantic, Piku, and his Lover, Jamie.

...Jamie is the only one without a pet name.

FFUUUUU-

Fft.

No, really though I'm in an excellent mood, I can't lie.
I feel quite free, at the moment. All's good and well, yeah?

Oh, 'cept another friend came to me confessing his love and jealousy that when I broke up with David I didn't go to him.

Sorry, Derrik. I don't love you and I never did. :>
But the play was fun. It helped keep me soothed. Sexually, of course.

Bahahaha.

Giddy, giddy. Maybe it's the guilt and denial still.

Maybe it's that I'm getting to the stage where I don't fucking care.

What is this?

People all around me, the ones I see every day, I am invisible to them. I am nothing, no one sees me.

I start dating someone, and I become an object, "Zack's Girlfriend", instead of 'Jordan'.

But that's an improvement, is it not? Atleast people know I exist, like this.

But everyone that DOES see me seems to fall in love with me, what is this?

What is this?

Ahh, people, people.

Go away, I'm not worth your love interest, I'm but a cheating, lying whore, you don't want such a broken thing.

Really, really, really.

I miss my babies.

My children, all my own.

I need to start loving on my OCs again. I want to play with my Merrow now, after drawing Kav with a catch of fishies. I still have no submissions of Kavian. I should go doodle a pic of him and Saizen, maybe. Or him and his son, though he's not very close to Pikumei. He's rather distant that way.

It's ok, Kavian would much rather give Pikumei's life to save Saizen's. Most parents put their kids first and foremost, but though to Saizen Pikumei is absolutely everything, Kavian is so deeply in love with Saizen, it's all he needs in the world.

Actually, on that note, it's the fact that he was trying to save Pikumei for Saizen that got him killed.

.... Fuuuck. That actually depresses me, becasue Saizen wouldn't know what to do with himself, after Kav dies.

Still haven't decided what happens after Pikumei gets captured and Kavian gets pumped full of lead. Hmm Hmm. We'll see. Maybe once they start appearing on paper, more.

They're the one group I want to get work done with the most. Like, real work. Like a webcomic, or a story, or... anything. Even semi-sequential pictures would work. Hmm hmm. I love drawing baby Pikumei.

He's so innocent and adorable, with his fire-engine red hair and fins.

His Daddy is red, too, but Shark is red and white, while Pikumei is red and black. And his mother is a butterfly koi, white with orange blotches, and smaller black blotches on top of that.

Pikumei hates his delicate fins, it makes rolling around in the sand a lot more painful.

One of those "Yeah, thanks a lot, Mom." moments~

Kav is an extremely strong swimmer, though. Short, thick tail, stiff fin.

I think out of all my characters, he's one of the one's I'd least want pissed off at me.
He's pretty fucking deadly. Along with Eei and Wight. Otis is a pretty vicious killer, with that huge tetsaiga-looking sword of his. LOL Inuyasha, it's been a long time.

Satsu, too, since he's supposed to be extremely violent. Thoguh I have no idea how I'd play that out.

Need to go to the PGMD paintchat and stalk Eva around, she's fucking psychotic like that, too.

Silly sociopaths.

Ahh, there was the bell. Time to go to class and do a test I have no idea about.

We're doing the heart, or something. All I know is due to intrinsic control, with the SA node, it keeps beating even after you cut it out from the chest. >____>;;

I'll be on again after school to ramble more, because I have to wait for my teacher to pick me up for our coffee date.

Woo~~

Bye for now. If anyone actually reads these.

+ - - - - - +

Don't forget about my Scraps~

+Character List-
Pikumei, Jamie Hasselrode, Saizen, Kavian.
Myra Arnadottir, Kira Mcausland, Mercy, Darius.
Malice, Loki, Evian, Otis, Reiya.
Raxia, Sean, Amilee, Satsu.
Aishiozanryu, Seahi, Wight.
Taylor, Cale.
Sepulchral.
Eei.

+My Family-



+My Favorites-



+Amazing Artists-



Go check them out, it is totally worth your time.

+Clubs-



+ - - - - - - - - - - +

+ - - - - - - - +

Hrrnngh.

I've been thinking, thinking.

I'm still kind of guilty, guilty.

That I slid into this so very smoothly,
that everything is fine. So fine.

That I feel good.

That I feel content.



I'm guilty for being happy, for feeling weightless, for how effortless living has become.

How easy it is to breathe, go from day to day, smile.

No, it's not bad.
But such ease should not be mine, no?

Not so deserving, so guilty, guilty.

Aaaahhh.

Hate me, hate me, it feels good, so good. Deserving.
You need better, you need more.

So go away, and hate me for all I've done, even if I shouldn't have.

Guilty for being happy, such a strange thing.

Oh, I feel so much better, oh, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

Oh, why do I? Why is this?

And I slid into my new relationship with such mind-blowing ease, there was no.. huge transitions. At all.

Like everything is working so smoothly, smoothly, when it shouldn't be, should it?

After what I've done?

I won't be one to question this, though. No.

I'll accept it and keep walking.

Because this is fun and this is good!

My drawing muse came and visited me today, I drew Kira having a stare-down with a bottle of whiskey and then Jamie and Pikumei on the beach.

..I say that like I could ever draw them anywhere else. Hm.

I coloured it in crayons. Teehee. If my Alt room isn't locked I'll go run down there to try and grab it so I can scan and scrap it. Since i haven't been submitting anything lately.

Because I've been in a social/gaming phase.

But. Hm.

Wrist.


Hurts.


Over the weekend I had it wrapped and was gaming, and it stiffened up from not moving, so uh.

Yeah. I tried to open a bag of chips anbd couldn't do it. The pain is terrible, but Advil helps take down the swelling, and I've been forcing myself to work it out after the intense pain I had to go through on Sunday with it. I was starting to lose the ability to use L1 and L2, it was getting so bad. Ack. Now it only hurts real bad if it gets forced to bend dramatically.

Then I scream.


Like twisting a broken limb.

-shudder-

Either way, that was the bell.


Ilu all stiiilll <3

+ - - - - - +

Don't forget about my Scraps~

+Character List-
Pikumei, Jamie Hasselrode, Saizen, Kavian.
Myra Arnadottir, Kira Mcausland, Mercy, Darius.
Malice, Loki, Evian, Otis, Reiya.
Raxia, Sean, Amilee, Satsu.
Aishiozanryu, Seahi, Wight.
Taylor, Cale.
Sepulchral.
Eei.

+My Family-



+My Favorites-



+Amazing Artists-



Go check them out, it is totally worth your time.

+Clubs-



+ - - - - - - - - - - +

+ - - - - - - - +

Several minor updates, all of them normal! (Yay!)


My wrist is fucking KILLING me.

For those of you that crack your knuckles, have you ever over-cracked them? That dull, hollow aching that you get in the joint, I have it through all the little bones in my left wrist.

Annd it's been only getting worse with abuse.

So like, I was getting into bed last night and I couldn't even hold myself up on it.

I have it wrapped right now, because the pressure is nice, it keeps it from moving too much and sending jolts of pain up my arm, and it reminds me to stop fucking using it.

Do you know how much your wrist moves insignificantly throughout an average day? Just like, flicking my bangs out of my face. Augh. I can still type fine, though, because there's not much wrist movement needed there.

It's like, such a superficial injury, I get such strange looks from the receptionist when I go in asking for medical on a completely unmarked wrist.

Gotta remember to keep flexing my fingers to keep the blood from pooling from the tight wrap. It's not TOO tight, but there's a lot of pressure. So.

Hmm Hmm. Man I am so bad for typing up REALLY LONG journals of nothing.

I have a really rambly nature, though. And words flow pretty easy, from me. So.

Next. Um. Zack. Is wonderful. I forgot how nice new relationships are.

That lovely fluttery-feeling, so nice. Set up his room and everything, yesterday. Putting up posters and the like. And gaming. He's trying to get me hooked on Kingdom Hearts, since the cult-following it had when it first came out scared me off pretty intensely. Watched him play the second one and explain it to me yesterday afternoon, then got home to play the first one, which he had lent me the day before but I hadn't had time to play yet.

Got my PS2 all hooked up, got all pumped for a serious gaming session, and got, "DUALSHOCK 2 controller not plugged in to controller port 1"

FUCKDICKCOCKSUCK.

I am STILL pissed that it refused my beautiful light blue and gray/white PSone controller that I've used for YEARS.

Since Collin Chamberlain fucking stole all my working PS2 controllers over the years.

So I went, dug around a bunch, and found my really old MadCatz controller, which is a fucking lost hope. SO. Plugged it in, had it all ready and dandy, when through a million and a half cutscenes, then got to the first part I actually have control over and the fucking analog constantly veers to the left.

FUUUUUUU-

SO I took the controller outside in the rain and smashed it against the road. :>

So. Pissed.

I'm hoping to borrow a controller from a nice kid on my road, since I was bitching and moaning about it on the bus this morning.

Yeah.


Hmm. What else. I've been PMSing, too, so every little thing going wrong has been being a huge hissy-fit worthy disaster for me.

Urgh.

This morning I was digging around for my lickable massage bars to bring to Zack's too, and the Vanilla one was gone, despite the fact that I had put them out on the shelf by the kitchen table SO NO ONE WOULD TAKE THEM ON ME.

KJFLKJSKLJFKLJSKLFJSKLFJKL.

I wanted the vanilla one, too. Stupid After Midnight Mint or whatever. They WERE originally my sister's, but she gave them to me to take down to David's, though he wasn't interested at all, so I only ended up using one once, and that was the mint one. Which is probably the only reason my sister hasn't nabbed that one on me too.

Right when I get a real boyfriend I can use them on, too! First she nabbed the Aphrodesiac blend one, which smelled like chocolate and delicious, and then the Vanilla one I was totally pumped for.

Tsssss.

Raaagggggeeee. Over stupid things. But I don't care how insignificant, it realllyyy got under my skiiiiinnn. That and I was extremely tired and grouchy when I realised it was gone.

FUUUUUUUU--


-flail-

Need to go shopping for little white stickers to put all over Zack's walls, since he has black lights in theereee. And they'll be all glowy and sweet. Hmmm hmmmm...

Teacher is getting on my ass again for dicking around on the computer instead of working, but there's a movie on so I don't see why it matttteeerrrssssss...
I hate watching movies in class, I get waaay too sucked into it. SO.


Hmmhmm.

I MISS EVERYONE. My drawing muse like, upped and vanished on me. Boyfriends do that, though. I remember when David did it, too. Hmm hmm.

'Cause they're all you think about, yeah?

I miss my iscribble frieennndddssssssss

And I'm missing out on AMG plotline, Ack!

But I just can't seem to be able to plant myself at my computer desk and FOCUS.

I always end up wandering back to the cooouch.
That and I'll be addicted to gaming for the next forever, since I have no choice in the matter.

Baaw.

BUT I'M STILL ON HERE. SO NOTE ME SOMETIMES SO I CAN TALK TO YOU GUUUUYYYSS.

I didn't abandon you I swear!


Please don't forget about me.. <//3


I especially miss you, Mother~!
Mamma, Mamma dearest <3




I COULD go on and ramble more, but I think it'd be best if I just.... didn't.
So.

Ilu all!



♥

+ - - - - - +

Don't forget about my Scraps~

+Character List-
Pikumei, Jamie Hasselrode, Saizen, Kavian.
Myra Arnadottir, Kira Mcausland, Mercy, Darius.
Malice, Loki, Evian, Otis, Reiya.
Raxia, Sean, Amilee, Satsu.
Aishiozanryu, Seahi, Wight.
Taylor, Cale.
Sepulchral.
Eei.

+My Family-



+My Favorites-



+Amazing Artists-



Go check them out, it is totally worth your time.

+Clubs-



+ - - - - - - - - - - +

+ - - - - - - - +

There is a legend many speak of, of a time when we of my kind first came to this place. Of a time so long ago the names are no longer remembered, and even now there are many who prefer to believe we have always been here, that we have always lived this way. When whispered this legend speaks of a godly place, of a place where the sun did not burn the flesh from our bones. A world we once ruled, where the vegetation was plentiful and the still water did not burn our throat.

This legend tells of how our ancestors, these ancient beings who outsmarted themselves, managed to destroy such a perfect paradise, caused it to crumble beneath them. Desperate, a great number of this population took to their technology, a creation of the mind so lost to our people now... They took to this in search of a new place for their kind to live. During their searches they found this place, and upon seeing life here similar to what they had destroyed, they settled down - completely unaware of the truths of this merciless world. Only a fraction of those survived the first turning, the first rising of the scorching Fire of the Sky. These first, these ancestors to us...

Legend speaks that they called themselves 'Homo Sapien'. They do not exist here, anymore.

Now we are all that is left.

- - -

WUT.
I have a world too. Only, it sucks shit and I've never done any real writing about it.

Has three moons, several species, lots of fun facts.


...

I'll go away now.

+ - - - - - +

Don't forget about my Scraps~

+Character List-
Pikumei, Jamie Hasselrode, Saizen, Kavian.
Myra Arnadottir, Kira Mcausland, Mercy, Darius.
Malice, Loki, Evian, Otis, Reiya.
Raxia, Sean, Amilee, Satsu.
Aishiozanryu, Seahi, Wight.
Taylor, Cale.
Sepulchral.
Eei.

+My Family-



+My Favorites-



+Amazing Artists-



Go check them out, it is totally worth your time.

+Clubs-



+ - - - - - - - - - - +

+ - - - - - - - +

Hnnn. Hnnn.

-sigh-

Uh. Well.

. . . . .

Hah, I should stop that, it makes people feel like they should be expecting, something, like I have something big and glorious to say.

That's foolish.

No, there's nothing here. But a small fluttering in my chest, I suppose.

But it's not those thousand wings, again. It's the thousand moths of death,
like a fucking heart attack,

Axiety moths, I suppose.

Trapped within my slender bars of bone.

No, not moths, even. Moths are so beautiful in the moonlight,
glowing and fluttering in the most pearlescent way.

No, these are like the flies of carrion, on a rotted heart.

The nervousness, the anxiety, what to do?

I'm still figuring this out, but I've been here before, I've been here.

Will it hurt more this time?

Love me, someone. I'm going to fucking need it, soon.

Soon, soon, soon.

Never again will I promise forever.

Never.

Hmmhmm.


There's a part of me that likes this.

This anxiety, the tenseness, the way my muscless are so taut, so stressed.

The way my breathing stirs them, these flies that suffocate an already rotting heart, core.

My core is rotten, is this as true as it gets?

I cannot deny such a thing. Everyone is broken. Everything has it's price.

And I'm done.

Done, Done, Done.

...


I'm ready, now.

Take me, now.

It's over, now.






I'm ready to start living, again. Truly, again.

Everythign is fucking spinning, now.

Typing, now.

And it's opening, here.

At school. This is bad.

I'll have to hide, at lunch.

So people can't see me like this, typing furiously,
my face so blank
I'm so fucking blank.

The world spins, the vision blurs. All I can see are these letters on these keys but I don't see them I feel them, I know theyre there. Like a part of me, technology in my blood, wires through my fucking veins.

Why?

What am I saying, here?
What am I doing, here?

This is how I feel, can YOU feel it?

Can you feel how everything is spinning, suffocating, but so blank, all there is is this panic, this anxiety.

Ohhh, ohhh, Anxiety.

Who are you and why do I still say I love you? Why are you IN MY FUCKING HEAD?

I NEVER LET YOU THERE DID I LET YOU THERE? No, you matter, you're so important, you were so important.

A special key, a needed hope.

Something that loved me and protected me while I broke down everythign I had established, and built it back up from the ground.
Then, my life destroyed and re-built, I cracked myself open.

I felt the blood run down my face, so warm, so copper-tanged.

And it felt so horrible.

But I cracked my walls open, like ripping a pomegranate in two, the threads of my coping mechanisms straining, tearing, bleeding red and so deliciously sweet.

To lick it from my fingers, bloody juice, so sweet.

And I looked inside and everything was rotting.

Maggots, when they eat they make the sounds of rice krispies, did you know this?

Start out like tiny grains of rice, but soon they fatten up like puffed rice,
that's a good cereal, yes?
Maggot cereal.

In blood.


...blood.

Everything is still spinning. Hissing. Buzzing. I have music in. This is a good song, now.

"Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself,

Where is my mind~?
Where is my mind?

Whhheerree is myy mind~~?"

Mnn Mnn Mnn.

And I smell of vanilla.

And You fixed me.
Or let me fix me.


And I was in hybernation, can't you see?

FATE.

Fate and balance, and lessons to be learned.
Word spinning, word weaving.

Vertigo.

Unbalanced. But only in my head.

Only in my head.
I felt myself snap, last night.

Near a friend.

He saw it in my eyes, he had to leave the room.

He saw the spinning in my mind, the danger.

The crazed fear. But I recovered, and I returned some balance to my ways.

I stopped laughing. He didn't like my laugh, the high, giggling cackle that is so uncontrollably, joy and fear as one.

He said I scared him. He held me by the face, I saw his eyes.

"You're scaring me, Jordan."

Oh.

Oh.


I'm sorry.
I don't mean to break and be broken and spin, spiiin when under stress.

I don't mind.
When everythign is swirling, I lose all sense of... logic.

Fuck logic. I have other people to be logical for me I don't need it in my mind
I don't need it in my mind.

There's no room here in my mind I'm full
Full,

Full.

Repeating, Why?

This is ok, this is good. I feel rightfully insane.
But I won't flaunt such a thing.

"She's a manic by trade, and she'll never give a shit
She says the whole damn world is spinning out of control...

Into a black hole."

There's my theme song, now. Black Hole by Evans Blue.

I could jack off to this song for so long, ever.

So hot, the... the.. desperation.

Oh so desperate. Hm.

What am I?

Are others like this? I've always wondered if I really am different, if things really are different for me. I stopped for a moment there, to fiddle with my ipod for a moment, and I shook. I could barly spin the wheel. I feel like I'm having a heart attack.

I don't want him to see me this way, or her. Or him. Any of these people, though most won't lock eyes long enough to see.

What I am, how I am.

It's been so long.

Since I have been and felt and been so scattered.


Years, maybe? Hmm.

Well, when I died, the last time, It was emotionally straining.

But I could think, right?

I didn't break down like this, right?


I was digging in the back yard, rotting leaves soaking through my jeans, digging for the little rustic gun, two shots.

It's still back there, I fucking know it.

I just couldn't find it, hands so cold, such bent claws of inhuman agony.

No, perfectly human..
There is no such thing.

That thought died.

My knuckles are starting to stiffen.

I used to be like this, all the time. I acted dramatic, I made it seem like a game, this... spinning.

That was when my mother's death hit me, you know.

When I was so..

When I chewed the skin from my hands, when the infection kept me awake, crying,
so much pain from cracking yellow-green scabs.

The itching, the burn.

The need to bite it, rip it, hurt.

The inability to focus my eyes, the panic.

The flies that are swarming, suffocating. I should text him.
Tell him I'm broken.

Maybe I can weave things together enough before he sees me.

Hm.

What grade was that in?

Nineth? Before Darian. No.


It wasn't my mother.


It was a mixture of my mother and Her.

...

I don't like thinking about her. When you hear me speak of what she did yo me, she broke my heart, yes.

But she broke more than that, that's why I am still so hurt.

She mangled me, writhing broken thing!

My mind!

MY MIND.


Oh such a horrid behaviour she brought out in me, so drastic were the changes in me, when I would walk through the halls, I would have trouble breathing.
When I saw a face I knew my heart would lock, No!

Not them!

What if they saw it in my eyes?

What if they could hear my rapid breathing?

I thought I was better, I had forgotten this feeling.

And now I'm letting everyone see what I am.


Hate me for what I am, not the decisions that come from it.

What am I?

Someone, tell me what I am, I want to,

I want,


I can't cry at school that would be bad, the blank face,
my only last defense must stay.


My reflection, like a wild, spooked horse, wide eyes.

Rolling eyes,

So brown, so deep, roiling in torment and mental confusion.

Bloodshot, fearful.

As I go, I scatter more, but it will pass will it please pass?

I just want to be able to function enough to see straight and walk straight and oh god the anxiety,

MY HEART IS HURTING, BEATING SO FAST.

THE COLD,
It's so fucking cold within my ribs.

Vertigo.



Mother, mother.
I wish you were here to see me. I wish I could show you,
Look mother, Look how beautiful I've become!
I miss you, I miss you, why did you die on me? So unfair.


Hmm...




Fate, Fate. Can you fucking feel me?

Please does someone see me, I'm here.

I'm right fucking here.

Look at me and feel me and see me.


See me.

I'm right here, please!


Sitting, spinning, with the swarming carrion flies suffocating my heart and killing me, killing me.


I want to breathe.





+ - - - - - +

Don't forget about my Scraps~

+Character List-
Pikumei, Jamie Hasselrode, Saizen, Kavian.
Myra Arnadottir, Kira Mcausland, Mercy, Darius.
Malice, Loki, Evian, Otis, Reiya.
Raxia, Sean, Amilee, Satsu.
Aishiozanryu, Seahi, Wight.
Taylor, Cale.
Sepulchral.
Eei.

+My Family-



+My Favorites-



+Amazing Artists-



Go check them out, it is totally worth your time.

+Clubs-



+ - - - - - - - - - - +